Dear Janette,

Dear Janette,

It's been a little over a half a year since we split. I've spent many nights thinking about it. I haven't had clear thoughts on this subject until very recently. I've written this letter dozens of times and this is my final thoughts on us. So if you could please stop haunting my dreams and thoughts that would be great.

I loved you. Let's just get that out of the way. I loved you more than you could ever understand. You meant the world to me. There's no other way to put it. You were the most special person to me on the planet and I would've done anything in the whole world to see your beautiful smile. I hope I showed you that. I hope I treated you great and that's how you remember it. I hope I told you how I felt about you enough.

I want you to know you hurt me. 

I want you to know I've never cried more in my life than over you. 

I want you to know it took me 2 weeks to truly smile.

I didn't think a day would go by without me wanting to talk to you. But they do.  To be honest even if you wanted to talk to me I probably will never know how. I want to punch you, hug you, and kiss you all at once. I thought that my feelings would stop simultaneously with my last breath. But they didn't. I remember the first time I saw you and those butterflies in my stomach were long gone. You were my everything. You had the greatest impact on my life good and bad, things you will never have a clue on. There is no thanks great enough for you. You showed me that I could be loved and how to love myself.

I know when you break up with someone you want to blame it on the other and make them look bad. I don't see it that way. I believe I am also responsible for our break up.

I screwed up a ton and it haunts me to this day. I look back and wish I could change a ton of things. 

I should've held you more, kissed you less

Listened more, spoke less

Told you I loved you more, argued less

Had more humility, less pride

I loved everything me and you had. Every time I look back on us I can't help but smile even to this day. You made me so happy. We fought a ton but we made it work somehow. 

But you left me. You looked me in the eyes and convinced me you gave cared about me. That I was important to you. You even convinced me you truly were in love with me. But you left me when I needed you. The one time I needed you. I was there no matter what happened between us but the second I needed help you were no where to be seen. I was surrounded in darkness and you were my light. I want to sugar coat it but what's the point. You'll never see it. I was going to end it because I lost sight of the things that mattered. I wouldn't be here if you wouldn't have texted me back. Again thank you. I tried to thank you. But you wouldn't let me. 

You made it all about you. You told me you could never be happy again. You drove to my house and told me that you never want to talk to me again. That I had ruined you. That you hated me. You dug a knife deeper in my heart and twisted and twisted and kept twisting until there was nothing left. Then you had the audacity to tell everyone that I was the reason that we ended it and that you didn't want to be in my life. To make it worse when you tried to text me and be my friend pretending you had never hurt me and I didn't want to so you told everyone that I'm the one that shut you out. Then to add the cherry to the cake you had your boyfriend text me? We hadn't talked in months and he texted me and was a jerk about it? It makes me sad that I cared about you. I don't care how much I loved you and want to help you or how much you beg or even ask back oh and I know that day will come. That is something I will never get over. You made it about you when I needed you. Now you're gone and I know how you truly felt about me: a stepping stone, that's all I was to you.

Every time you give me the middle finger with your stare down just know you will always have a place in my heart. When you talk crap on me to your friends just know you once used those words to tell me what I meant to you. Lastly remember when ever you take the other hall so you don't have to see me just remember that hallway meet was one of the best parts of your day. 

You were my world and you threw that out the window. I wish I could say I miss you but I don't. I don't hold a grudge any more or any hate. You hurt me but holding the grudge would only ultimately hurt me in the end. So I don't resent you or pity you or hold any negative feelings but there's a scar on me. One that will always remind me anytime I want you back. It won't go away any time soon. But I'm grateful I got you out of my system. As Lily once said "oh she's crazy, but you need to date her because when you're done with her you'll never want to date crazy again". Thank you for being my Janette, because now I know what I'm looking for and it sure isn't you. Hope it works out for you.

Steven O. Jordan