The Missonary Issue

“If you do not magnify your calling, God will hold you responsible for those who you might have saved—had you done your duty.” President John Taylor

The reason I chose to write this is because recently I have heard tons of stories that break my heart to hear all of these but it made me think about it? Its like a pandemic of people coming home or not even going out in the first place. Kids I have grown up with my whole life that I felt were certain were going tell me they don't want to go. I don't know the actual stat but the seniors last year have seem to produce the least amount of missionaries that I can remember. Why is this?

When you're growing up in the church on Sunday they talk of these things called "missions". They tell you about it and all you hear is you go to some country for 2 years. Your first reaction is "ok not really sure why you're telling me this that's like for old people I'm in kindergarten and power rangers are tight" then they get real close to your face and go "tell me you're going on a mission now like are you going? Ya you're going when you turn 19 not a day later". You respond "wow chill down I'm not even sure what I'm doing tomorrow let alone 13 years from now but ya I'll go."

As time goes on and you go to church they continue to reiterate that you're going to go and you have said that as a kid. But as you grow up it becomes more clear what it is. It's funny how your perception grows on it. At first it just sounds like a vacation you do for 2 years wear nice clothes and help people. Then you understand that you can't talk to anyone at home. Then you realize you could go to the worst places in the world. Then finally you realize people probably will hate you and want to beat you up. But you already kinda committed when you were 9 so you're contractually obligated to fulfill it. But see you still think like hey that's still a few years away I just discovered I have armpit hair and girls don't actually have cooties that's just an urban myth life's pretty cool no need to worry.

You hit high school and you go "oh **** I have 3 years then my sorry butts in Zimbabwe living on bugs and muddy water". This realization causes a pure panic attack. "I'm not ready to be on my own? I burn Mac and cheese how am I supposed to live by myself?" You then go to fire sides or speak with former missionaries and they tell you it's the best 2 years of there life and how great it is and how it'll change your life. Than once again remind you about your contract saying you'll go.

Finally senior year hits and you start counting the days till real life hits. I can't begin to explain my fear for what has to come. See at this point people stop lying about how it's only sunshine and rainbows. They tell the story of them getting beat up, shanked, hit with a broom, threatened and how many times they looked down the barrel of the gun. How they would have nights where they would bawl and think to themselves why am I here? Everyone hates me I just want to go home it's been months since someones wanted to hear my message and I've only baptized one person in my year and a half out here. Beneath there tears they said these words: "Did I make a mistake?"

Around this time people start asking the question this time looking for a more honest answer, hoping you honor that contract but understanding that some will say no. You truly start thinking about your answer. It would surprise you how many of them that say no. It is said in our church that every young man able and worthy should serve a mission. I believe this statement is completely true. But missions aren't for everyone.

I'm sorry its insane to hear but they aren't. Some people just are not cut out for them. They are hard. They are scary. Some people just flat out are too lazy to make it. Plus you add in the people that can't because or morality issues. Some go out for the wrong reasons then come home when they lose focus of it because it is not something to build faith off of.

Again they are not for everyone. They are hard work and to be honest there are probably more doubts and hard times then smiles and laughs. But that's on purpose. God wants us to get out and struggle. He wants it to be hard for us. If it was not hard it would not help us. It wouldn't change us into the men it does. Steel is only hardened by the hottest part of the fire not the outsides. To first be ready on your mission you have to understand this: Its the hardest thing you will ever have to do.

Second be ready. Look yourself in the mirror and ask "why am I going?" is it because of my parents? If I don't my parents will cut me off? Or the classic parents bribing you by paying for college and buying you for a car. Maybe its because you want to fulfill the promise you made when you are a little boy. The worst of all is to spare the embarrassment of not going. If this is one of your reasons or maybe one that is equally good but maybe not strong enough to carry you. Get on your knee and pray about it. Tell him you have doubts and he will help you through them.

Third and final is prepare for it. Read and study scriptures and anything you can. Go to church and prep classes. Let the temple be a place of peace and refuge for you. Keep in mind though it doesn't how much you prepare and what you do there is nothing that will truly make you fully prepared.

For those of you that don't want to go. You are fine. You are not bad people. Contrary to what your bishop and others in your community tell you it is still possible to be a good person. It does not mean you are going to end up a crack addict and do nothing with your life. There are many people I look up to in my life that did not serve for one reason or another.  You can still live a very happy and successful life. The only warning I give to you: you may miss out on blessings and life lessons you can only gain out there.

Those who want to but are not worthy. I understand how hard it is to stay worthy. Its not easy at all. Satan sees your potential, he sees how many people you can change there life and help them. Keep fighting the good fight. Don't give up. Wait the time you have to and use it as a blessing for more time to prepare yourself. Keep your head up and push forward.

I understand that what I've said so far sounds like I'm against missions but I'm not. To be honest I'm super grateful for mine coming up. I'm so excited for it because I need it in my life. If you have read any of my previous posts you will understand how I have grown up with a lot of confusion and questions that weren't very clear until earlier this year.

Even with a lot of answers being answered this year there is still a lot of fear in my heart. To be honest with you I'm scared senseless about it. Its at minimum a year away and I already have my worries and doubts about it. Sometimes I think to myself how much easier it would be to have never been Mormon and not want to serve a mission and be somewhere else.

If you are honest with yourself though the mission is truly for you the individual more than anyone else. Its to prepare you for the real life and the troubles that are to come. God's laws are to protect and help you. Not to restrict and punish you.

Final thoughts on this subject: My reason for going? I believe that this will help me figure out some stuff and prepare me to be a great father. Find your reason. Hold on to it. Never doubt it. Make every decision from this moment forward preparing yourself to fulfill it whatever you hope to accomplish what ever you are looking for. Also if you chose to go out do not go home its a two year commitment only go out if you are ready for it. Go out and return with honor.

Steven O. Jordan

Why im not a robot

I got punched in the face and hurt

Diana taught me how to smile and be happy when I had forgot

When I heard the news about Troy I couldn't smile the rest of the night

I have insecurities and them gnawing on my stomach is a terrible experience 

I've felt the cold grasp of depression

I loved her with everything I had

I've cried more times than there are numbers for

I've felt the pain of a dislocated shoulder

I've felt the warmth of Mabel Q's hugs and let me tell you how good that feels 

I can feel my dads shadow following me around everywhere I go 

I suck at math and robots have to be good at that. It's like in their creedo or something

I can't breathe underwater 

After watching Hotel Rwanda I wanted I got sick to my stomach

I hate my hair with every ounce of my soul

I still have my scar from long boarding accident 

I sputter when I try to rap

I get sunburns

I lose at sports

I've peed myself laughing before

I kissed a girl once

I believe in ghosts who probably aren't real and robots would probably know that

I've burned my hand 

I'm scared of the dark

Steven O. Jordan

Dear Janette,

Dear Janette,

It's been a little over a half a year since we split. I've spent many nights thinking about it. I haven't had clear thoughts on this subject until very recently. I've written this letter dozens of times and this is my final thoughts on us. So if you could please stop haunting my dreams and thoughts that would be great.

I loved you. Let's just get that out of the way. I loved you more than you could ever understand. You meant the world to me. There's no other way to put it. You were the most special person to me on the planet and I would've done anything in the whole world to see your beautiful smile. I hope I showed you that. I hope I treated you great and that's how you remember it. I hope I told you how I felt about you enough.

I want you to know you hurt me. 

I want you to know I've never cried more in my life than over you. 

I want you to know it took me 2 weeks to truly smile.

I didn't think a day would go by without me wanting to talk to you. But they do.  To be honest even if you wanted to talk to me I probably will never know how. I want to punch you, hug you, and kiss you all at once. I thought that my feelings would stop simultaneously with my last breath. But they didn't. I remember the first time I saw you and those butterflies in my stomach were long gone. You were my everything. You had the greatest impact on my life good and bad, things you will never have a clue on. There is no thanks great enough for you. You showed me that I could be loved and how to love myself.

I know when you break up with someone you want to blame it on the other and make them look bad. I don't see it that way. I believe I am also responsible for our break up.

I screwed up a ton and it haunts me to this day. I look back and wish I could change a ton of things. 

I should've held you more, kissed you less

Listened more, spoke less

Told you I loved you more, argued less

Had more humility, less pride

I loved everything me and you had. Every time I look back on us I can't help but smile even to this day. You made me so happy. We fought a ton but we made it work somehow. 

But you left me. You looked me in the eyes and convinced me you gave cared about me. That I was important to you. You even convinced me you truly were in love with me. But you left me when I needed you. The one time I needed you. I was there no matter what happened between us but the second I needed help you were no where to be seen. I was surrounded in darkness and you were my light. I want to sugar coat it but what's the point. You'll never see it. I was going to end it because I lost sight of the things that mattered. I wouldn't be here if you wouldn't have texted me back. Again thank you. I tried to thank you. But you wouldn't let me. 

You made it all about you. You told me you could never be happy again. You drove to my house and told me that you never want to talk to me again. That I had ruined you. That you hated me. You dug a knife deeper in my heart and twisted and twisted and kept twisting until there was nothing left. Then you had the audacity to tell everyone that I was the reason that we ended it and that you didn't want to be in my life. To make it worse when you tried to text me and be my friend pretending you had never hurt me and I didn't want to so you told everyone that I'm the one that shut you out. Then to add the cherry to the cake you had your boyfriend text me? We hadn't talked in months and he texted me and was a jerk about it? It makes me sad that I cared about you. I don't care how much I loved you and want to help you or how much you beg or even ask back oh and I know that day will come. That is something I will never get over. You made it about you when I needed you. Now you're gone and I know how you truly felt about me: a stepping stone, that's all I was to you.

Every time you give me the middle finger with your stare down just know you will always have a place in my heart. When you talk crap on me to your friends just know you once used those words to tell me what I meant to you. Lastly remember when ever you take the other hall so you don't have to see me just remember that hallway meet was one of the best parts of your day. 

You were my world and you threw that out the window. I wish I could say I miss you but I don't. I don't hold a grudge any more or any hate. You hurt me but holding the grudge would only ultimately hurt me in the end. So I don't resent you or pity you or hold any negative feelings but there's a scar on me. One that will always remind me anytime I want you back. It won't go away any time soon. But I'm grateful I got you out of my system. As Lily once said "oh she's crazy, but you need to date her because when you're done with her you'll never want to date crazy again". Thank you for being my Janette, because now I know what I'm looking for and it sure isn't you. Hope it works out for you.

Steven O. Jordan

#Different

Rules for high school

1. Don't fall in love

2. Figure out what you believe in- not what others say or do figure stuff out for yourself

3. Go to parties

4. Absorb as much knowledge as you can

5. Talk to as many people as you can

6. Create diversity in all of your activities 

7. Don't be afraid of being alone- that is where you figure out who you really are

8. Saying no to things is ok

9. Don't sacrifice who you are for popularity or to get someones attention

10. Listen more speak less

11. Grow up at your own pace don't let others control when that happens

12. Find a best friend- high school is impossible without one

13. Family always takes precedent over everything at school including friends

14. Homework and sleep always come second to a good time and memories with your friends

15. Get good grades but don't kill yourself for them

16. Be careful what cars you get into

17. Focus more on creating who you are on the inside then out

18. It's better to be happy and alone then with someone and miserable

19. Your parents lived through the same stuff- ask them for help

20. Forgive always- pride only hurts who hold it

21. Taking a weekend off to be alone is fine you don't need to be at the center of everything

22. Kiss how many and whoever you want- don't let anyone tell you that's not enough or too much 

23. Respect is one of the greatest tools you can learn

24. Ask that one person out you've been crushing on all year- worst thing can happen is they say no

25. For those that want a trillion friends remember after 3 years they are gone and only true relationships stand the test of time

26. Figure out what makes you unique

27. Asking for help from people is ok

28. Read a lot

29. Crying is ok just don't do it in front of people and especially not girls

30. Find your emotional release

31. Saying what you do in high school just disappears is a lie- the person you create in high school will carry over

32. Seek true beauty not just on the surface

33. Create a personal relationship with your teachers

34. Go to sporting events and dances for your school even if you hate them

35. Create the first impression you want because you can't shake it once it is placed on you

36. Be careful who you open up to

37. Show kindness to all of the people around you 

38. You were meant to stand out- be different

39. Don't waste time being idle and doing nothing

40. Smile more- life is meant to be enjoyed not endured

41. Social media should always be put in check and shouldn't replace personal human interaction 

42. Nothing good happens after 2 A.M.- just go home

43. Pave your own path

44. Gossiping only truly hurts those who do it

45. Embrace others differences

46. Street smarts are equally important to learn as Book smarts

47. Being sad for yourself is a long and lonely road- choose the path of happiness

48. Don't ever betray your friends for anything

49. Taking a full day off every once in a while is never a bad idea

50. Life is never as good or bad as it seems its always somewhere in the middle

Steven O. Jordan

Love Vs. Lust

One of my friends recently spoke of lust. The way they said it they obviously had no clue the meaning of this word. This has brought up the question what is the difference of the two? What makes lust so evil when love is such a great and beautiful thing?
First I want to establish the actual definition of both words.

Love:a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person
Lust: a strong feeling of sexual desire


The thing about these two that is actually crazy how similar they can feel at first. Saddest part about that is that love is one of the most beautiful where as I would argue lust is the ugliest and deadliest of the 7 sins. Media teaches us love is just about the physical and sex is just something to throw around. This further clouds our ability to separate the two.

I also believe that there are different levels and interpretations of lust from simply checking them out to having sexual relations with no emotions attached cheating on your spouse. I also believe that some of it while still not ok is just a natural thing and not based in evil. Every person has these thoughts whether they want to admit it or not. To lust isn't to have the feelings of desire of these feelings rather to ponder them and keep them in your head eventually leading to acting upon them.


To understand the difference you need to have experienced both. I have been in love and I have lusted after women. Looking back on them it's interesting how you justify them and convince you same way but looking back the signs are very clear the difference. Or just convincing myself that this form of lusting wasn't wrong it was just "natural" high school boy behavior.


I have loved two women in my life. Both were very different experiences but the one thing they had in common was this: all I ever wanted to do was make her smile. I would've done anything in my power to hear her laugh and see her smile. She is always on your mind not in like a creepy stalker way but a cute way. You get a special drop in your stomach and she makes you nervous not enough to make you lose your words but to make you feel your heart speed up. This isn't built on a kiss or any physical interactions. Love is based on who the person is on the inside not the outside. Physical attraction is just the icing on the cake. 

To truly love someone is to be there for them no matter what the circumstance. You would do anything to make them happy.

Lust is built on physical intimacy. This has little to no emotions attached to it. These relationships cannot last because physical beauty fades or no longer does the trick for you. What's left when these things are gone? Nothing. There's nothing left and the relationship is destroyed. Often times one partner is invested and they end up getting emotionally hurt. When it is built on lust often times lies are involved because when hormones are involved it clouds your judgement.

Final thoughts: before going into a relationship base it off something real. You're not an object don't let it anyone use you as one. Be cautious with physical interactions and who you share them with because something beautiful can turn into something so painful and earth-shattering. Always remember that if they truly love you they will never ask you to compromise your standards. Also be weary of lust rearing his ugly head because love can turn into love in a blink of an eye where as lust is almost impossible to turn into love.

Steven O. Jordan

I Want My Crayons Back

I want my crayons back

Let the past go. The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.               -Socrates

Life was so much easier in the day. Girls were gross. Basketball shorts were cool. Shaq was the man. I rocked some heelies and my tamagotchi was the coolest thing on this earth. My biggest challenge was beating Ruby Red for the thousand time. Oh life was good.

I want my crayons back 

My house wasn't so cramped and loud. It was actually clean. Family dinners were way more peaceful. I love my siblings but boy it was so much better when it was quiet.

I want my crayons back

I want my old gang back. When we all were tight. Man those were the days. We had it all: the guy with the connections, the funny guy, the leader, the athlete, the storyteller, the adventurer and me. Our adventures and stories should be written in books and of legends. Every era has to come to a end and sadly with our crayons being taken our group was over. We all still are kind of close and talk when we see each other and we've broken up into smaller groups that are still friends but we will always have those memories. 

I want my crayons back

I want to back where I didn't care what I wore. There was no one to impress. I didn't like girls? They were someone just to get homework answers from. And 1's were the coolest shorts around. Your favorite shirt matched every color ever no matter what. You could wear discolored ankle socks and still be cool.

I want my crayons back

I Hate writing papers and learning about square roots and imaginary number. I hate no recess. I miss my homework assignments of getting to know you. Drawing a picture and coloring it really good to get 100 percent. I liked when we got straight O's not A's. When you woke up loving school because it was a place of fun where you got to see all your friends and you got to learn about cool fun things not chemistry. There was no drama or fights because what's there to be mad about that age? There's no worrying about popularity or who you're with. It was all so simple.

I want my crayons back. 

Sports were easy and fun believe it or not. Practices consisted of games and fun times. Coaches didn't yell. They were kind and funny. The gym was something old people did. Lifting weights was dumb. Vegetables were gross and you didn't care what you eat because everyone got a participation medal for trying hard. Everyone was the star of the team.

I want my crayons back

I loved my past. It was great. Just like any childhood there are tons of ups and downs but the good outweighed the bad. I often look back on it and think about it highly. There are a lot of lessons that I have learned as a kid that I constantly think about. My only warning of caution is this: reminisce on your past and think highly of it, but and this is a big but move forward. There's nothing left for you in the past. Live in the moment because when you're 10-15yrs from now you will feel the same way about where you're right now. So love your past but always be looking forward because every stage in life is fun in its own respect and you will miss it if you're always looking backwards.


Steven O. Jordan

Different Hats

Hats is the prompt we were given today. I believe that the interpretation of that is something simple. Different hats. We constantly are wearing different hats that change on our circumstances. Our location and people we are around change our personality to fit with what that setting is. In 9th grade there was this girl who all of her friends hated her because around boys they said she changed. I always found that odd? Of course she changed. She was flirting and trying to be attractive instead of talking to her girls. I would hope she's not flirty with her girlfriends.

Robert Greene once stated "Alter your style and language according to the person you are dealing with. The pseudo-belief in equality, the idea that talking and acting the same way with everyone, no matter what their rank, makes you somehow a paragon of civilization is a terrible mistake. Those beneath will take it as a form of condescension, which it is, those above you will be offended, although they will never admit it."

To be the same with everyone is stupid. You're not that way. No one is. Someone who says they have the same thoughts and actions no matter there location is a liar. Ask yourself this: would you speak the same way to your girlfriend/boyfriend as a parent? No you wouldn't. Acting crazy and dancing in your room on a Friday is completely acceptable but if that was done during a family dinner Sunday evening would be widely inappropriate.

I believe you shouldn't change who you are or your standards but it should change your state of mind. Also I believe in diversity of personality and interests. The smartest most interesting people I have yet to meet have been the ones with the most diverse interests and hobbies. To be centered on one thing doesn't allow you to see what the world has to offer. One shouldn't be centered around one thing that defines them such as athletics, an instrument or any after school activity.

What is the point of my writings today? To explain that having different sides of your personality is ok. That having a diverse personality and different interests is ok. Be defined my many things not one action or interest. Be adaptable to all circumstances.

Steven O. Jordan

The Island

     Throughout time there has been many examples of people that have experienced an "aha moment" or moment of change. There are two I would like to focus on. I never was put into a few day trance like Alma the younger or giving into the "dark side" like Vader to make me turn. Mine was as Oliver queens was- it was an island that changed me. Last summer I had decided I didn't believe in what I was being taught. I had decided I don't need the church and listen to anyone. It started out because I was ashamed and I thought I was not worthy of forgiveness so I turned it into pride. I convinced myself that I was smart enough to figure it out. I started living as if I wouldn't go on a mission. I didn't read my scriptures or pray really. I ignored spiritual teachings because I believed I was better than it. I gave into my desires and only focused on myself. I focused on the temporary pleasures and desires instead of the bigger greater happiness waiting for me out there. I lost my best friends in the world. I had a big issue that was better until I became less diligent and let it enter my life again. I became a disgrace to the man that I wished to be. I used people- I hurt them and severed relationships. I was alone- I truly was on an island. I didn't want to admit it. I looked into the mirror and saw what I had become- a disgrace and a failure to the man of my future. I hit my lowest point and wanted to end it all, so I planned it out. The people that meant the most to me had saved me that night. I asked for a sign if there was something out there and forgiveness from my father. This was my "aha moment", he took the evil from my heart- I had found my way off the island. I could no longer doubt my purpose in life because it was given to me in my darkest hour. I still desired those vices but the world was clearer and I was on my way off of the island I had removed it from my life. The island left some deep wounds not physical but no less painful- emotional spiritual and mental. As poison beautifully put "wounds heal, but the scars still remain." The island taught me more about myself then I could have ever learned other wise. It hurts I had to learn it there but I am grateful for the change and I am happy it happened. I will have to deal with the consequences of my actions for many years to come but it is all worth it because I'm on way back from the island with the help of my family and my best friends in the world and when I get home I'm gonna right my wrongs and focus on never letting myself go back there.

Steven O. Jordan