I shouldn't be sad
I shouldn't be bawling looking at old pictures of me wishing I could redo the last 5 years of my life
I'm in Saunders room and it's 12:28 and he's no where to be seen
To be honest I'm glad he's not here. I don't want anyone to see me like this
They told me i would be happy
They said if you read this book and live by if you would be happy and everything will be fine
It's not
Don't get me wrong I'm happy and have so much more direction in my life and know what I'm doing but I still have all of my issues
My heart is still completely shattered
I am still alone
The kids that text me are because of there mom or because they think they owe me something
Go away get lost
I'm overweight
For hell sake I'm crying in a classroom how pathetic
That book didn't fix these problems
No blessing helps it
I feel like I'm Prometheus chained to the rock waiting for my heart to get torn out everyday just hoping that the eagle is still full off my heart he ate yesterday and he lets me just keep it one day to see what it feels like
The book didn't fix the shadow I feel
Or the guilt of the people I hurt
Her face is still engrained in my mind no matter where I go
Everytime I hear her name I cringe
Ha and people wonder why I don't date anymore or even talk to girls
The trumpet is supposed to inspire faith that one day instead of looking for the pieces of it that it'll just find itself and take shape into whatever is left
All the trumpet does now is remind me that I'm alone and there is a hole filled in my chest that no matter how much Gatorade and chocolate milk I try to patch it up with its not going away
I miss my best friend that's up in college
I stand in the commons as a lepor would
People only pay attention when they need something
They say I'm rude and standoffish
Promise I wasn't born this way I was taught this simple principle: no one gives a shit about you so you better take care of yourself because no one else will
I wish I could open up but even if I did I don't know what's in there
I've been taught for so long to shut it down and be a man
"Don't break son because once the world sees your weakness or a sign of cracking they will tare you apart limb by limb"
Start your taring because I promise it would be less painful then what my thoughts are doing to me
I shouldn't be sad
Steven O. Jordan
Steven O. Jordan
i love how this post relates to your last one, but it still makes sense if you haven't read the other one. your blogs deserve to be in the top 5 every week. keep writing.
ReplyDeletell the trumpet does now is remind me that I'm alone and there is a hole filled in my chest that no matter how much Gatorade and chocolate milk I try to patch it up with its not going away
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how long that took me to figure out how to copy & paste that. Loved it, loved the post. Can relate. And for some reason I think you talk to a whole lot more girls then your giving your self credit(8. But very real, very good writing
ReplyDeleteDon't think you shouldn't be sad.... with all that you've been through, you have that right. We all do. Just don't get stuck there.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone.
"I stand in the commons as a lepor would"
ReplyDeleteGatorade and Chocolate milk.
Don't be ashamed of being sad,
please don't think it makes you
any less manly.
It doesn't.
you have every right to feel sad and you are just as worthy of happiness
ReplyDeleteI've been there.
ReplyDelete"I wish I could open up but I don't even know what's in there"
ReplyDeleteDude. Dude, I. I just. I will probably say hi to you even though you don't know who I am so you might not say hi back. But I'll still say it. Because I have never believed so much in there being 2 dimensions to everyone. Please, don't apologize for being sad. Your sadness changed my life.