Boy oh boy am I scared

Dear Desmond,

I'm sitting here in the gym at 11:24 crying. Scratch that bawling. Growin' up just came on. I was just doing my own thing happy as can be and that song had to come on and ruin my gym hour.

What am I doing here? Why am I lifting when I'm on vacation. Why do I ever? It's so much easier to just give up and sit at home. 

You are the reason.

You are the reason I get good grades. The reason I go to church. The reason I watch everything I eat. The reason I workout till I fall down on my bed exhausted. The reason I read my scriptures when all I want to do is sleep. The reason I want to serve a mission. The reason I go to my stupid job to learn to work even though my parents would give me money if I asked. The reason that made me get my crap together. 

I know for a fact I haven't met you. Hi I'm your father. I hope we don't meet for another 4-5 years minimum. 

I want you to know I do this all for you. On March 13th, 2015 my whole world changed and the next day I knew all I ever wanted in my life was you. I knew from that moment on I would do anything on this planet to make you happy for the rest of your life. 

I'm scared senseless to be a father.

I don't even know how to take care of myself let alone you. 

Me and your mother are going to try to have you in August or September because I got screwed and am the youngest in my grade. It's awful and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

I wish I had more fingers to cross you don't end up looking like me or get my genes. Knowing that I will marry the most beautiful woman I hope you get her everything. I'm a six on a good day. I Promise you want your moms genes. I hope you are the first kid I want to have you before your sisters. I want you be to be older than them so you can take care of them and beat their boyfriends up. I also need you to be the oldest to teach your little brothers how to be tough. I am going to be incredibly hard on you because I know you will be great.

I'm going to teach you how to be funny, throw all of the balls (I want you to play sports I'm not going to lie. Luckily I suck so you won't really have much to live up to. I won't push you though. I'd rather have you be the happiest jazz flute player than the most miserable pitcher. Remember this though no matter how good you get at sports I'll always beat you because that's what dads are supposed to do), sadly give you the talk, teach you how to fish, how to work and most importantly how to love and be happy.

You're going to school everyday you are not becoming a mouth breather and skater dude. I don't really care what you do because I want you to be happy but this Is non-negotiable. You're going to be a smart kid. I know we are probably going to argue over it because let's be honest school sucks. You are going to get good grades. Depending how much faith I have in you will determine if I'm ok with B's or not. Also church. You may hate it because it is super boring and it may seem pointless but you are going to go. It took me 16 years 8 months and 24 days to understand why I went. I promise I'm only making you because it's the best thing for you to make you happy.

Please don't be the worst baby. My baby brother was up all the time and it just sucked and made my father miserable. I think it'll be really fun and exciting the first few times at 2:30am just so we can have some boy time but eventually it will just suck. Please also try to keep your diaper changing sessions to as little as possible. Draw on the walls and spill your bright red juice all over anything you want to just focus on keeping a sleep schedule and controlling your bathroom urges. 

I want you to enjoy your elementary and middle school years. I want them to be as easy and stress free as I can physically make them. I want you to hold your 8th grade girlfriends hand and think that's what love is. Go into the woods and try to make a tree house. Please try not to fight with your little siblings. It's going to upset me and your mother a ton after a long hard day. Also I expect you to scream "daddy" at the top of your lungs and run into my arms after a long day of work. To Watch football games with me snuggled in my arms. Wrestling with me when I'm laying down. Draw pictures of me and you to put on my desk. To tell me you love me every night after scripture reading. 

The day you go into high school will be the worst day of my life. High school sucks. It's hard. It makes you want to tare your eyes out. 

We are going to talk about uncomfortable things. Sex, masturbation, drugs and alcohol, anything LGBT related, how to be inclusive not exclusive. My parents have never ever talked to me about any of this stuff. I learned the talk from my uncle and one of my best friends growing up. I feel like I would have made different choices if I would've been comfortable asking my parents about this stuff. 

I don't believe in phyiscal punishment but if I ever hear you disrespecting your mother I will pull out the wooden spoon so fast your head will spin. She is the love of my life and I will not stand for it. 

This next part is kind of odd and not what the church teaches but you need to do it. I want you to fall in love with a girl. I want you to be completely obsessed with her. I want you to be super happy with her. Then get your heart obliterated. I want her to step on your heart and break it into a thousand pieces. I want it to hurt to breathe for the next few weeks. I know this sounds cruel but I think it strengthens you. The old phrase goes "steel only is tempered by the hottest fire". To get stronger you need to be uncomfortable and to break. I've learned more about myself in these last 6 months than my whole life. 

I'm going to teach you how to drive. Chances are your moms going to suck and so this responsibility is going to fall on me.

Things you need to do in high school:

• Get your license
• Sneak out (don't let me catch you though because if I do I have to be a good parent and get mad at you and I don't want to)
• Kiss lots of girls
• Get beat up
• Fall in love
• Sleep in and procrastinate homework every so often
• Go to dances
• Learn to love being happy and smiling
• Graduate
• Stay up way too late
• Be a good example to those around you
• Learn how to respect everyone

When you graduate I really want you to serve a mission. I hope you decide to do it because I believe that is the greatest thing to do to get you ready for the real world. But I will not be one of those dads that make you go. I will not even hold it against you. I'll Disappointed but never hold it over you. I will pay for any college you want to go to. Yes you have to go to college. I don't care the cost I will make it work. I want you to have the best life ever imaginable.

Please pick a wife that likes us. I want to hang out with my boy all the time. I want to see my grand kids all the time and be the coolest grandpa ever. Me and your mother will be at every thing they do no matter the importance of it. I can't wait to talk all old to them and tell them that things that were expensive were a nickel when I was growing up and stuff like that. Please take care of me when I'm in an old peoples home and need to be changed. Don't forget about me.

I know you are watching me up in heaven. I hope I'm making you proud. I hope I am going to be a worthy dad for you. I'm not really sure if you can hear my thoughts but know every time I wake up my necklace on I think of you too. I love you. I can't wait to meet you and hope i'm doing everything in my power to be ready.

Steven O. Jordan