Boy oh boy am I scared

Dear Desmond,

I'm sitting here in the gym at 11:24 crying. Scratch that bawling. Growin' up just came on. I was just doing my own thing happy as can be and that song had to come on and ruin my gym hour.

What am I doing here? Why am I lifting when I'm on vacation. Why do I ever? It's so much easier to just give up and sit at home. 

You are the reason.

You are the reason I get good grades. The reason I go to church. The reason I watch everything I eat. The reason I workout till I fall down on my bed exhausted. The reason I read my scriptures when all I want to do is sleep. The reason I want to serve a mission. The reason I go to my stupid job to learn to work even though my parents would give me money if I asked. The reason that made me get my crap together. 

I know for a fact I haven't met you. Hi I'm your father. I hope we don't meet for another 4-5 years minimum. 

I want you to know I do this all for you. On March 13th, 2015 my whole world changed and the next day I knew all I ever wanted in my life was you. I knew from that moment on I would do anything on this planet to make you happy for the rest of your life. 

I'm scared senseless to be a father.

I don't even know how to take care of myself let alone you. 

Me and your mother are going to try to have you in August or September because I got screwed and am the youngest in my grade. It's awful and I wouldn't wish that upon anyone.

I wish I had more fingers to cross you don't end up looking like me or get my genes. Knowing that I will marry the most beautiful woman I hope you get her everything. I'm a six on a good day. I Promise you want your moms genes. I hope you are the first kid I want to have you before your sisters. I want you be to be older than them so you can take care of them and beat their boyfriends up. I also need you to be the oldest to teach your little brothers how to be tough. I am going to be incredibly hard on you because I know you will be great.

I'm going to teach you how to be funny, throw all of the balls (I want you to play sports I'm not going to lie. Luckily I suck so you won't really have much to live up to. I won't push you though. I'd rather have you be the happiest jazz flute player than the most miserable pitcher. Remember this though no matter how good you get at sports I'll always beat you because that's what dads are supposed to do), sadly give you the talk, teach you how to fish, how to work and most importantly how to love and be happy.

You're going to school everyday you are not becoming a mouth breather and skater dude. I don't really care what you do because I want you to be happy but this Is non-negotiable. You're going to be a smart kid. I know we are probably going to argue over it because let's be honest school sucks. You are going to get good grades. Depending how much faith I have in you will determine if I'm ok with B's or not. Also church. You may hate it because it is super boring and it may seem pointless but you are going to go. It took me 16 years 8 months and 24 days to understand why I went. I promise I'm only making you because it's the best thing for you to make you happy.

Please don't be the worst baby. My baby brother was up all the time and it just sucked and made my father miserable. I think it'll be really fun and exciting the first few times at 2:30am just so we can have some boy time but eventually it will just suck. Please also try to keep your diaper changing sessions to as little as possible. Draw on the walls and spill your bright red juice all over anything you want to just focus on keeping a sleep schedule and controlling your bathroom urges. 

I want you to enjoy your elementary and middle school years. I want them to be as easy and stress free as I can physically make them. I want you to hold your 8th grade girlfriends hand and think that's what love is. Go into the woods and try to make a tree house. Please try not to fight with your little siblings. It's going to upset me and your mother a ton after a long hard day. Also I expect you to scream "daddy" at the top of your lungs and run into my arms after a long day of work. To Watch football games with me snuggled in my arms. Wrestling with me when I'm laying down. Draw pictures of me and you to put on my desk. To tell me you love me every night after scripture reading. 

The day you go into high school will be the worst day of my life. High school sucks. It's hard. It makes you want to tare your eyes out. 

We are going to talk about uncomfortable things. Sex, masturbation, drugs and alcohol, anything LGBT related, how to be inclusive not exclusive. My parents have never ever talked to me about any of this stuff. I learned the talk from my uncle and one of my best friends growing up. I feel like I would have made different choices if I would've been comfortable asking my parents about this stuff. 

I don't believe in phyiscal punishment but if I ever hear you disrespecting your mother I will pull out the wooden spoon so fast your head will spin. She is the love of my life and I will not stand for it. 

This next part is kind of odd and not what the church teaches but you need to do it. I want you to fall in love with a girl. I want you to be completely obsessed with her. I want you to be super happy with her. Then get your heart obliterated. I want her to step on your heart and break it into a thousand pieces. I want it to hurt to breathe for the next few weeks. I know this sounds cruel but I think it strengthens you. The old phrase goes "steel only is tempered by the hottest fire". To get stronger you need to be uncomfortable and to break. I've learned more about myself in these last 6 months than my whole life. 

I'm going to teach you how to drive. Chances are your moms going to suck and so this responsibility is going to fall on me.

Things you need to do in high school:

• Get your license
• Sneak out (don't let me catch you though because if I do I have to be a good parent and get mad at you and I don't want to)
• Kiss lots of girls
• Get beat up
• Fall in love
• Sleep in and procrastinate homework every so often
• Go to dances
• Learn to love being happy and smiling
• Graduate
• Stay up way too late
• Be a good example to those around you
• Learn how to respect everyone

When you graduate I really want you to serve a mission. I hope you decide to do it because I believe that is the greatest thing to do to get you ready for the real world. But I will not be one of those dads that make you go. I will not even hold it against you. I'll Disappointed but never hold it over you. I will pay for any college you want to go to. Yes you have to go to college. I don't care the cost I will make it work. I want you to have the best life ever imaginable.

Please pick a wife that likes us. I want to hang out with my boy all the time. I want to see my grand kids all the time and be the coolest grandpa ever. Me and your mother will be at every thing they do no matter the importance of it. I can't wait to talk all old to them and tell them that things that were expensive were a nickel when I was growing up and stuff like that. Please take care of me when I'm in an old peoples home and need to be changed. Don't forget about me.

I know you are watching me up in heaven. I hope I'm making you proud. I hope I am going to be a worthy dad for you. I'm not really sure if you can hear my thoughts but know every time I wake up my necklace on I think of you too. I love you. I can't wait to meet you and hope i'm doing everything in my power to be ready.

Steven O. Jordan 

The Boy At The Beach

There was once a boy who was on the beach writing something in the sand. A middle age woman walked up to him and asked him "is this the girl you love?" The boy nodded. She laughed at his response. After she finished snickering at it she asked "what do you know about love?" The boy continued to scribble the name in the sand ignoring the question. The woman then continued on to tell the story of her recent divorce. How she met her now estranged husband when she was 15. They fell in love and dated all throughout high school and how they got married when she was 18 and not a day older. They were madly in love and then reality hit. They worked good for the first few years and were very happy. After a few years it got super hard. They started fighting a lot and disagreeing. They had a kid and that only put more stress on thier relationship. Finally she walked home to his mistress sitting on the couch. She explained they're currently in a battle for the custody of thier little boy and it's been dragging out and wasting time and money. The woman looked at the boy as she said these things. Sometime during her telling this story the boy finished the name he was writing. The lady with all the mixed up emotions of sadness and rage said to the boy "this girl will not be yours in a few years because love is conditional and is never forever." The boy again just kind of laughed. She then asked if this girl had ever said she loved him? The boy shook his head. The girl then asked "then how do you know she loves you? That you guys truly, truly love each other?" The boy shook his head and opened his mouth and spoke these words: "Faith. I don't think I've met her yet. This name isn't even hers. She's the person who keeps me up at night. The one that gives me hope when everything tells me to stop believing. If I don't believe it's forever then what is even the point of living?"

Steven O. Jordan

Brick: What makes us who we are

What makes us who we are?

"Life is a resume, be careful what you put on it" -Uncle Ronaldo

I recently got a job at a construction site building apartments. It is so interesting to see the process of it all. What it takes and what all goes into it. There are so many steps and process to make a complete live able home.

Bricks is what we have to write about today so bare with me through this metaphor. 

We are a building. It's stature, quality and purpose of it is based on your interests and your quality of what kind of person you are.

Your building or yourself, is built up of thousands of little things that you cannot see to the naked eye but yet instead the overall complete product is visible. They don't see your pains, struggles, triumphs, fears, worries, joys and things you love.

The foundation layer is your core beliefs. When you break yourself down what do you truly and personally believe? This something no one sees. This is what you do when no ones looking and is your deepest and most private thoughts and desires. 

Next is the wood and stucco to put its house into form. This is maybe a little more out of your control. This is what the shape of your environment. This is who your friends are. Where you live. What your parents teach you. This is what can be seen by a few but this is still fundamental to your structure.

The decorations on the inside are your likes and interests. What you enjoy doing and you surround yourself with. Your happy places and what you think about.

Each room is the different compartments of your mind and personality. One room could represent your fun crazy side where as the other could be your dark side (ya everyone has one)

The outside is built on what you put on show to others. Your physical appearance. The way you speak. The way you dress. That tattoo you thinks a good idea. That new hairstyle you saw on TV. Each action you make just adds one more piece to the building that is you. 

"Ok what's our point of this?" This is it: everything you do makes you who you are. Every decision has a consequence good or bad. What do you want people to see when they see who you are? Building your foundation on things that fade or are ugly and not strong enough to stay around for ever that builds a crappy old shack that should be condemned? Or a strong moral person who speaks highly and intelligently and be a large grand skyscraper who is above the filth of the world? Dress, speak, act and think as you will. 

Just remember everywhere you go you are being watched and judged. What do you want people to see when they see you?

Steven O. Jordan

Dear Rachel Zane,

Dear Rachel,

I love you.

I love you more than you can comprehend.

I love you more than any man has ever loved a woman. You are my everything. My heart skips a beat and I get those over talked about butterflies when I think about you. I look for you everyday but I can't find you- just between you and me I never was good at finding Waldo, let alone you. 

I know it's dumb and a waste of time but I daydream about you all the time. I always picture you 100 different ways. I kinda have a things for super dark hair and features but I do have a soft spot for blondes. I know you're breathtaking. You're sweeter than anyone on this planet. You're super fun. You think I'm hilarious which isn't hard because I am. Just please I beg of you don't be taller then me. 

I hope I haven't met you yet to be honest. I'm not good enough for you yet. I have a lot of things I need to change that I'm working on to be good enough for you. I hope I'm ready when I meet you. You make it hard for me to even talk to girls my age because they don't even kind of meet what I'm looking for. I stopped kissing them because of you. I've kissed plenty of them and it makes me sad how many meant nothing. I wear you around my neck everyday to remind me why I'm doing what I do. I know this is crazy but you turned my life around. You are the reason I get up on the mornings where I just want to give up and go back to bed. The reason I stay up and read that last chapter instead of going to bed. Lastly the reason to do 100% at everything I do so I can be that way when I'm with you.

I wish I knew what you are thinking about right now. What I would give to be with you this instant you have no idea. I hope you have lots of friends. I hope you're happy. I hope you're making good decisions. I hope you're loved and get told everyday that you matter to someone and if not even though you don't know me I love you.

I kinda want you to kiss in the range of 8-12 boys before you meet me if that's not too much to ask. I've already kissed my fair share of girls. I have so much to tell you haha. I've lived such an odd life you'll love it. I hope you like my friends cuz you're stuck with 3 of them for life. In all honesty one of them probably will live with us forever. He's 17 and he's already given up on love. He's a really good guy though.

I can't wait to have all the first's with you. Scratch that I can't wait to say hi for the first time. I can't wait to make you smile and to hear your pity laugh at my dumb jokes. The first time I try to impress you and screw it up and you give your beautiful smile. I can't wait to fight with you and have you tell me I'm wrong and you're always right. I can't wait to go on drives with you and all the other stupid stuff couples do. The first time I hold your hand or kiss you and the biggest one of all- when I tell you I love you is only things I can dream of. 

I want to date you for about 4-5 months until I pop the question. I'm going to be super up front about that. I'll say I like you this is why I'm dating you. If at any point in the next four months I do not want to marry you or it does not feel right I will break up with you. If you feel that same way you need to break up with me. By the time that 4th to fifth month comes around I will ask you. I'll make sure my proposal is super cute and your mom/sister will take lots of pics don't worry. I hope your dad is kinda a pushover to be honest. Im not really good at asking hard questions when there's a shotgun within 5ft. But I'm fine with a scary brother threatening bone breaking. I can deal with that. You can be in charge of our marriage day. I want it to be perfect for you. Any temple any place you want. We are only doing this once so everything you've every dreamed of I will make sure come true. No worries we will sell the audi if we need to. It's kinda old anyways. I am getting you so that's all the perfect I need. Same with our honeymoon as long as I'm with you we can go anywhere on this globe (beside Russia). On our wedding day ill probably lose my words when I see you for the first time in your beautiful wedding dress. I'm not really sure if Mormons say "I do" in weddings but whatever it is I promise I won't be able to speak. When I see you just squeeze my left wrist. Its weird and I don't understand why but it's kinda sensitive the pain should take me out of the shock so I can speak again. Repeat that on our wedding night when I freeze up again after seeing you in all your glory for the first time. 

We are going to make it work no matter what. There's nothing that will break us up. I promise to you right now you will be my everything and every day I will make sure you know that and that I will work everyday till the day I die to make us work. There's going to be downs but I promise our highs are going to be so much better. 

This is obviously a group decision but I want 3-4 kids and I want to be married 1-3 years before we have a kid. My profession that I'm looking to be is around 6 years of schooling. I can't even fathom having our first son. You may have to raise him by yourself. I probably will die the second I hold him in my arms. You're going to be the perfect mom. He will be perfect because he's ours. I'll be in charge of the ball throwing and the bike riding stuff. You're going to teach him how to be a nice kid and how to dress good. He's going the be the perfect little gentleman. Hope he plays sports but there will be no pushing. 

Our daughters going to be my little princesses. I have a little sister right now and she gives me good tips on how to be a good dad. She told me "don't have bedtimes" and "buy as many dolls as she wants for her" so I think I'm set on how to raise her. I'm scared out of my mind to have a girl. This world is so crazy and I don't want my little girl in it. I know how men work. We are idiots. I'm not sure how we will stop it but if there is some way to keep her away from them till she's 18 I'll do it. I hope you two are best friends. I'm absolutely going to favor our daughters over our boys. They need to man up.

I hope you're crazy close with your family like I am with mine. I never grew up with cousins so I'm really banking on our kids having that opportunity and with my siblings there kids will be pretty screwed up trust me. I'm not sure they will be much help in that category. My moms crazy so she will be all over our kids so there's a plus. We will always have a babysitter on date night. 

I kinda forgot to mention ha I don't know how to match. Oh ya and I can't do my hair. Can't really smile right either. I'll be fine though I'll figure that out eventually. I think I will be able to learn on the mission but there's no guarantees. 

When our kids move out we can go anywhere in the world. I'm going to work my hardest every day of my life to make us have a lot of money and a good life. I hope to retire with you around the age of 65. I want us to go on an old people mission. After we have our first kid I don't want you to work another day in your life. I want you to be a full time mother even if that means I have to work overtime every night. I promise I will figure out how to pay our bills no matter what happens.

I promise that I will love you with all my heart for eternity and on.

Your Husband,

Steven O. Jordan

If there is anything you read on my blog it should be this

I came upon this video a few weeks back. 

This video has the clearest sense of what true love is better than whatever I could write.  

Enjoy,

Steven O. Jordan

What happened to our mirrors?

Society has a really big issue that everyone overlooks. Everyone is focused on ISIS and whatever outrageous thing trump said at the latest debate. They aren't focused on the biggest problem in our society: all of our mirrors are broken.

My uncle Ronaldo told me this quote around the 9th grade: the first step in becoming great Is truly looking in the mirror and seeing what your deficiencies are and accepting them. Then figuring out how to go around these or how to fix them. The people that are too afraid or prideful or whatever the reason it is that never are honest with themselves makes it 100x harder in the world.

In 9th grade I had a terrible hard pill to swallow. I'm 4 inches shorter then I want to be. I'm overweight. I'm about a 6 on the attractive scale on a good day. I'm a terrible athlete.

Society has taught us some awful things that we perceive as truth. Society wants us to be content with what we are and to be average. Social media is all about being average. School has taught me that I'm going to make 50-60k a year and that's a good life. That just accpet your lot in life. It squashes motivation by then turning it into resentment to the people that are more successfull. You then start blaming others for your shortcomings or calling those who are more accomplished "Lucky" or "they have to know someone."

This is all wrong.

Quit making excuses for why you aren't where you want to be in life. If you want it bad enough go get it. To the fat girl on Valentine's Day who wants to say how stupid it is because you didn't get asked. To the 5'6" kid who runs a 5.6 40yd dash and blames it on politics why you didn't make the basketball team. Look in the freaking mirror and accept your lot in life that it's because of your choices and no one else.

Decide what you want out of your life and from this day forward work your butt off each day and night to get it. You're fat? Eat less workout more. Stupid? Read instead of watch TV all day. Ugly? Get better looking clothes. The world works on one sound principle: the law of the harvest. This means whatever you put out there is what you will get back. If you don't work for anything do not expect to get results back.

This world owes you absolutely squat. There is something wrong in your life. Take it into your own hands and take care of it. Do not walk around blaming others for your misfortune. This will only make your life miserable if you think the world is out to get you.

Final thoughts: Break down who you truly are. Be completely honest about your strengths, weaknesses and everything in between. Analyze them. Figure out what you would no longer like to have in your life and cut it off or find away to mask these unwanted traits. Amplify your strengths. Continue to build on them and let them be the forefront of what people see when you enter a room. Stop wasting your time trying on your weaknesses and focus on the positives that you can do. Especially stop blaming others for your lot in life. Take responsibility for your actions. 

Steven O. Jordan